my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
