it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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