my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We need to get me chipped asap
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
