no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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