I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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