Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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