I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
