WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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