I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
