no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
