Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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