His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
