i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
