Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
