I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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