How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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