I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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