I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
