OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
