Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
