I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
