I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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