I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
