While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
