party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
