I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
