How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
