i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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