Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
that is very illegal...i love you.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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