i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
