Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Randomize
