Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
