I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just found puke in my bra..
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
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