Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
