I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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