Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
