I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
