Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
