Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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