Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
