they said they heard you say put it in my butt
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
