Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
