i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
