I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
