Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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