Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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