ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
