And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
