Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
