I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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