This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
